A crisis or an awakening?

So...most (all 3) of my followers, lol, will have seen me go through some interesting things of late. I'm not sure what it all means at the moment and I'm not exactly sure what is on the other end of it. I am, at a bit of a loss at the moment as to where my life is headed and what it all means, what I should be doing with my life and whether or not I'm truly happy with my life.

Let's back up. Waaaay back. Waaaay back. 15 years ago, (holy crap) in 1992/3, I started a 5-year stint at CHRW, Radio Western. I started volunteering around the station, as most new volunteers do but quickly found myself thrown into a show on Friday mornings from 7am to 10am. 3 Hours of morning drive-time and I had a pretty cool co-host for a while. The show was called the Break-a-Dawn show, owing to both the early start and to the then fairly recently released song by De La Soul, which became the theme.

I quickly grabbed the reigns from the original host and as I recall, within a few months the show was mine as he left for summer vacation. Can't even remember his name, damn. I wasn't totally on my own, new hosts would come in, trainees and it became a bit of an interesting rotating lineup of cohosts, some of whom would go on to host their own shows. James Rocci was Program Director under long-time Station Director Mario Circelli (still one of my best friends and mentors.) Eventually, I was given a prized Wednesday afternoon 3-6 slot and that started Mullethead's Revenge!

For almost 3 years, Sean Mayville and I would have a blast, play countless 2 and 3 minute songs, rarely interrupting sets to give out the names of what we'd played. I am pretty sure we developed a pretty loyal following of listeners and were able to present a couple of shows along the way - Trigger Happy/Lagwagon being a pretty cool one. We did some pretty wicked interviews too; New Bomb Turks, Judah Bauer from Jon Spencer Blues Explosion (and 20 Miles), Face to Face, Ten Foot Pole and countless Canadian bands among others. Unfortunately because, I suppose I was a good interviewer and host, we would get some of the major label bands - I still remember making fun of Zuckerbaby! lol

It all culiminated with Warped Tour '98. CHRW was able to co-present the show or at least have a presence under the lame local Modern Rock station that had recently discovered Pop-punk (Blink 182 was in the line-up.) I was able to finagle a Press pass for me and a photographer's pass for my then fiance, now ex-wife Gillian who was just learning to take good photo's with a new SLR. I still have the best photos on my wall - Mike Ness of Social D, Fletcher from Pennywise, Joey Cape of Lagwagon, Dicky Barrett of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones...awesome black and whites.

At any rate and not to digress to far, it was my goal to enter the Music Industry using the connections I had developed at CHRW as Music and Promotions Director. Unfortunately it quickly became apparent that the Music industry was going through some pretty major changes and my lack of retail experience definitely didn't help my chances.

I took my time with University. I took 2 years off in the middle, just to live and experience life away from home, even if it was in my own hometown. Getting out of the house was a big step for me but also meant that I would be taking time off as I had no money (a common theme it appears.) I had a blast in those two years, prior to returning and completing my degree and taking the job at CHRW. I cooked in restaurants in the tri-bar area, for some reason never able to get a serving gig. I was a good cook though and restaurant managers are loathe to give up good cooks to the floor. Plus I had attitude (another common them.)

So...once I got the gig at RW, I quit the cooking gig and lived with Gillian who'd eventually become my fiance during our last year in London in '98. Prior to that though, I had lived a pretty meek existence. I have never been a saver, always a spender, something I come to quite naturally from my own family history. Gillian was from a wealthy family though and so..things got much better for me financially. I was also sucked-in. My ex Father-in-law was a highly successful Lawyer, negotiating Mining deals in Venezuela among other things. The hair-dying stopped, I studied hard, got better grades and decided it was time (at 26) to grow up! Oh what a mistake. I don't regret it, other than to say that I wonder if Gillian and I had taken more time whether we'd still be together or whether we would have avoided the marriage thing altogether. Bygones.

So we moved to Toronto in the fall of 98. In fact, we moved to Toronto the weekend before we got married. That was a pretty crazy summer but Jill was never one to wait for what she wanted. We had been sweethearts in High School, broken up, gone out during University, broken up again and then reunited when she moved back from McGill. It seemed the logical thing when getting back together to go ahead and get married. So on New Year's Eve, 1998, Gillian said "Let's get married this year." An hour later, in the square behind Centennial Hall, I got down on one knee and asked her. There was no ring because we didn't really feel we needed one. I hadn't asked her father for permission as I was a punk and didn't think I needed to. Nowadays I wonder about all these things. I do so without regret but I still wonder if things could have been different.

Once in Toronto, I worked at Sam The Record Man on Yonge Street until I got some work at Canuck Creations doing camera-work for classic animation line tests. It was very cool and I worked with friends who I'd met through their band, the Mercurymen. I screwed some stuff up along the way though and without going into details (I was working on computers though, hint, hint) I got into a bit of an embarrassing situation that I do regret to this day. I was immature, little town boy in the big City and things just started to get away from me. I wasn't a great husband.

I then got a gig at Toronto City Hall with a City Councillor through my friend Neil who remains a very good friend and someone I can always count on for support and friendship. Neil is salt-of-the-earth. I did very well at City Hall, finally finding a challenging job that rewarded me well and allowed me to grow as a political scientist and as an employable individual, or so I thought. I lasted 7 years in City politics before the attitudes of the public finally pushed me out. There really are far too many whiney Nimby's in this City and not enough who stand-up for the poor and/or tenants and for those who someday wish to own property.

After that and a struggle to find work, I eventually landed at Skymeter Corporation where I also enjoyed some pretty major growth, gaining new skills and learning under several mentors, Bern Grush and JD Hassan chief among those. I was sent all over North America to sell the concept of GPS-tolling as developed by Skymeter. The job was incredible, I met amazing and brilliant people, made new contacts and friends and learned a great deal about transportation. Unfortunately, in August 2008, at my own advice, I was laid-off due to slow market development and lack of funding for Skymeter's work elsewhere.

Since then I've bounced around and been in discussions with 3 different employers that just recently came crashing to a halt. I've pursued all 3, none have worked. I was offered a position in Maryland leading Sales and Marketing for another new technology firm but was precluded from taking the position by the arduous US Visa system. The third potential employer just went weird and I'm still lost as to why.

After months of talking, the CEO asked me "Why are you alive? What are you here to do?" This made it pretty clear that he didn't feel, after 3 separate invitations to apply/join his organization, that I was a good fit...or something? The disturbing part is that I would be very happy doing the work that we had discussed as it involved Skymeter - which matched my skills with my passions. Fuckin' 'Ell!

So...left with that...I said Fuck it and started to look for other work but at the same time, his question stung me. What am I here to do? Am I really happy? For a week and a half I have struggled with this question. I wonder if its too esoteric. I wonder if I shouldn't just ignore it and continue to search for a paying gig that will, well, pay the bills regardless of my happiness with the job. I can't afford this either - I'm about 2 weeks from personal bankruptcy and I'm living on borrowed time and borrowed money. So much that my personal debt is now higher than it's ever been - around 30 Grand in total.

So...I am lost. That's why I bleached my head again I think. I wanted to just give up for a week on the job hunt. I came home to London to sort things out. I'm behind an eight ball though, damned if I don't get a job and not sure how I'll ever move my stuff anywhere if I can't even pay my rent.

The question I now face is....Do I pursue gigs that my skills apply to and that can earn me some coin while I get sorted. Is it Toronto or should I move to London to be closer to family and perhaps to get back into some of the activities that made me happy and healthy in the past? Or do I just plug away? On a personal note, I am incredibly lonely in Toronto. I often cry. I love Toronto but wonder if like many relationships, it's just not meant to be? I also met a fabulous woman recently and was ready to dive head first into love. I was totally smitten. Then she called it off.

So now...what do I do? Do I keep the bleached head, which seems to make me very happy. Do I return to Toronto, shave the head, put my suit on and charge downtown looking for work. Do I go after any work? Do I hold-out for 'the right job' in the face of personal bankruptcy? I know only I can answer these questions but I really have no clue. Am I a regular joe who has over-achieved or a brilliant person who has under-achieved? Where do I find a partner? lol

I need help, advice, a mentor or 16 perhaps. Comments more than welcome! More on this whole process to follow but this is already a lengthy post and I'm fading fast.